This topic has been on my heart for quite some time, actually for the last 3 months but it's been heightened the last few days. I've been overwhelmingly trying to talk to God about where my heart is vs. where my head is. Church for me is a space to be free, to truly understand God's truth and walk in it and I've done so much of that since August when I decided to step out of the box and into a new church. But, despite all the happiness, it's also has come with moments of loneliness & confusion.
Last night I found myself talking to God, demanding a clear understanding of why I'm at my new home church, why has he planted me there. As much as I LOVE the people I've met, the experiences I've had and the opportunity to freely love God the way I need to I've also had moments of "being the black girl in a white church."
This is a topic that many like to look past, it's uncomfortable to talk about, of course, it is but after my second "Trump" run in it's definitely been burning in my heart and I sense that I won't have some type of closure until I release a little.
I think about my stance in America as an African-American/Black. I understand and respect everyone's opinion of politics. But, I think about the words I hear, the overlooking, the degrade I start to get emotionally overwhelmed because I really start to question, is there a "Safe-space" for black people in a predominately white church. Who exactly do you talk to freely about your concerns when your concerns are "not their problem."
Rather we walk into the "colorblind" oh I don't see color nonsense just follow me.
There is a problem with race in America, there is a HUGE problem with what people think of me immediately just by looking at the color of my skin, so with those issues is a predominately white church really the place to voice your concerns without being told to just "Go pray about it, God has this, why are you fearing," it's so easy to have the "don't fear" when you not black.
I walk in lately with the thoughts of for the next 4 years will I spend more time walking through this church "Defending who I am and who black people are" or "trying to avoid another awkward conversation." When things happen who do you go to at church? Where is your safe space, when the family you are making has no clue about the black experience? Is it possible to really be lonely in a white church? Heck Yeah!
It's all a learning experience and right now as my heart is torn into two pieces of going where I'm comfortable and where I can truly be myself vs. going where God is calling me, but honestly, I'm still learning where God is calling me.
As I'm sitting here I ask myself can I really be as "Free" as I want, how is it possible to go from high to feeling lonely in just an instant, how often will I have to go through this feeling, is it worth it? is this really what a safe-space looks like?
where is my space, why don't I have a space?
I'm still searching for answers......