For the last few weeks, I have just been in such a funky state. Despite my excitement about my journey this year I just can not seem to find my balance. Over the last few weeks every Sunday and Wednesday I find I am trying to talk myself out of attending church. I always show up, I am there no matter how annoyed I get at myself because I just don’t feel like it. I have been wrecking my brain trying to figure out what the heck is bothering me and I couldn’t pin point it. I kept thinking to myself, well this is my usual I’m always really on high with chasing the desires of my heart and somehow, some way I end up abandoning them eventually. I have a hard time understanding the power of “forever” with anything. To me, forever just don’t exist but I want it to. Last night after an amazing night at church, I found myself walking around my room, fake cleaning (lol)! Asking God why is it that I feel so far away from him, that I seem to can’t get in tune, why am I trying to talk myself out of following this Christian journey and instantly God spoke, “I said get your spiritual walk right and this is why.”
“THIS IS WHY”
At first, I was having a hard time understanding the “This is why.” What does the why represent in my life at this moment? As I stood in the middle of the closet I started to replay in my head, the countless times I have had to literally drag myself to church on Sunday’s and Wednesday’s lately, the conversations I’ve had with myself and God over the last two weeks, asking God am I suffering from depression again, is this depression? Or I just am same old’ Lakeithea. The countless of times over the last few weeks that I’ve felt hopeless, anxious, annoyed and overwhelmed, or the way my attitude has been an “I don’t want to be bothered” attitude deep in my soul to the point that going around people has been driving anxiety up in me so bad lately.
AND…”THIS IS WHY”
About a month ago God made it very clear to me that I needed to work on my spiritual walk with him. I needed to get myself in a place to deeply understand who he is and what he wants for me. I needed to build an intimate one-on-one relationship with God, removing all the restrictions and pre-conceived thoughts I’ve had about God, about Christians, and about the church. He needed me to get to a place that my past can stay my past and the only way to do that is by wholeheartedly following him, connecting with him. He needed for me to do this one task, get to know his heart. I was doing really good on this walk and then slowly I stopped reading my bible less and less, I stopped praying and talking to him more and more, I stopped seeking him, I got comfortable. Oh, I’m good I’ll just do this and that later and I start to understand I allowed myself to be open to other spirits that have been removed from my life over the last couple months, those chains that were slowly coming off that was hindering me, has slowly closed back up. I was no longer in the spirit of God. My spirit had become broken again and I was feeling it stronger than ever before.
Interesting enough I’ve had many times of growing with God, then falling off. We’ve had this circle, rollercoaster of a relationship since I got baptized at 22. I just could never get on a straight road to follow him all the way. That’s why it’s interesting to be in the space I am with God now, it’s interesting how he allowed me to fall back into old habits so that he can show me how it feels to walk without him daily and this time show me the hard way, with better vision and deeper understanding.
I been saying for a while now how things with life and business was going so well and then I told God, hey I am giving it all to you, do whatever you need, whatever it looks like I don’t care, I just want your will to be done and I want to do what you called me here for. Well, he sure cleaned everything up. I feel like I’ve been starting over, who wants to start over at 30…no one! What’s also interesting is for a long time I use to be really mad at God (I haven't shared that with you guys, a whole different post) because I always thought man why don’t you believe in me enough to give me this and that, all these things I see others blessed with. I realized he has me again in a space that it’s so easy for me to be mad at him, to walk away, to not trust him but trust the world, trust myself, to feel let down by him, feel forgotten and then this morning I opened my bible and Psalms 139 came to my mind and I went there....
Psalms 139 Search Me, O God, and Know My Heart
“Where shall I go from your spirit?
Or where shall I flee from your presence?
This verse stuck out to me and spoke directly to my heart. Where is it that I go? Back into the world? Never, so no matter what I will seek to keep walking on this straight road, we have come to the end of our circle Lord I can either step in the middle and stay there or stop at the point that you have met me at and walk forward letting your spirit guide me, letting your voice lead me, I will stay in your presence. I am dedicated to #chasinggod
I first must get to this point to understand that God didn't let me down, he needs to remove anything I came with that didn't belong to him, his kingdom and his will for me. He needs to make me stronger, to learn to fight for forevers. Although I have spent way too many years mentally and emotionally mad at God, today I decide if I will believe the lie of, is God letting me down again? Because there is this spirit that is trying to remind me of those thoughts or will I walk back into his presence with an open mind and an open heart to truly receive the Father?!
This #ChasingGod journey just keeps getting tougher!