3 ½ years ago, I came into a room and retreated. Don’t ask me the exact date? Because, honestly, I don’t know! I can’t remember because it all happened slowly over time but I do know it happened. Coming off a depression wave, finances, health, personal relationships all strained. A few years before that I was barely making it fighting depression, barely holding my head above water. I thought I was ready to bounce back but what the universe delivered wasn’t anything that I expected. Despite having a pretty long resume of work, denial after denial came from jobs I applied for, not making a lot from freelance and company work, I was scraping to get by, failed attempts to be a responsible, hardworking, dedicated, college-educated adult, failed, I failed and in my eyes my life seemed to fail and I retreated back to that room and back into depression.
I one day headed into this little room, with the four yellow walls and never wanted to come out. I didn’t want to mingle, I didn’t want to talk about life because I was scared, petrified, embarrassed and humiliated, that here I am college-educated, long, diverse resume and I can’t find a job and I can’t get the perfect entrepreneur career. Here I am a girl who has a diverse, skillful resume, the girl whose been working forever couldn’t get clients to pay my worth. I sat in this room scared to be seen, scared to tell the truth of freelancing and entrepreneurship. I kept my work to a minimum because I was so scared of having to do too much interaction with people, I didn’t want to interact because then I would have to step outside of these four yellow walls and expose to the world all of me, including the tiredness, depression, brokenness, humiliation, People will have to see that here I was with this dream of working with some amazing brands, a dream that took every penny I owned. A dream that keep me broke and wearing the same shoes, clothes and jewelry every after year. The dream I wanted to fund so badly that I sold whatever clothes, electronics I had.
3 ½ years ago all of this became my story, that I didn’t want to share. Who wants to share in a world where people think entrepreneurship and freelancing looks like heaven on earth? As I’ve found myself trying to piece back a complicated life after depression, I realized one day that it hasn’t been the easiest road. You don’t just wake up one day and everything is great, you may feel great (after therapy or with medicine) but your life will still be left in pieces that was broken while you were battling, you don't realize it, until you try to move forward.
I realized how much I hide, how much I cut off the access that the world had to me and how much I had with it. I have kept my interactions as minimum as possible. This room, this space a safe haven from facing more heartache, failure and disappointment. The space that my depression can marinate alone, without being disturbed or me having to deal with it, and in this space, these four yellow walls blocked everyone’s access to me and me from them.
There is never a perfect depression recovery and I am learning to be ok with it and what it looks like for me to fully recover. I honestly can say there has been times, lots of times I never expected to be able to see the pieces of my life, of adulthood come together. I would sit in my room, alone, blocked off from the world, praying, crying, daydreaming about the day I would be able to work a job I loved, I would be able to build an amazing company of my own and here I am 3 ½ later and I am doing both.
Sometimes it doesn’t register until another piece falls back into place and the light at this tunnel starts to peep through a little bit more. I come to realize that all the shame I was carrying for being someone who battled depression and couldn’t seem to get life together and I started rebuking that shame from myself and in that midst somehow placed into the universe that I can and I will find myself whole, a day at a time and it's becoming truer everyday.