For many of you who has read my blog over the last two month’s you know that at the beginning of this year I decided to spend a year #ChasingGod. I really thought I had this all figured out, I thought this would be a breeze. Just #ChasingGod, what could go wrong?
Boy, was I wrong!
I didn’t consider somethings that had bothered me about this Christian journey for years and slowly over the last two months these feelings I’ve felt for years were slowly creeping in daily. It was to the point that I’ve considered throwing in the towel, I came to realize today that God must have known that I would get here, at this very point, in this very moment at some time on this journey, he’s clever
He had to know that these feelings I had been harboring towards him, my dislike for him, may frustration with the “church” my disconnect with other Christians would eventually enter back in. Over the last month, the struggle has been real and I have been spending day after day trying to figure out what my problem was and why I felt so disconnected, uninterested and intolerable of God and I was finally able to say out loud, God, you know I just don’t like you!
Harsh, I know and somewhere some Christian is reading this fuming with flames, it’s ok…. just walk away!
Anyway, I will be honest (I’m always honest). It felt so great to say that out loud, to just be truthful, to finally understand what I was feeling. I could finally say, look God a couple of months ago, I wrote in my prayer journal, why it felt like chasing you meant that I had to be unhappy, why are you so mean? So, selfish, why don’t you want your children happy, why do I have to choose? and I need answers this time, we can no longer have this type of relationship.
It was real yall!!! But, God knew it was coming out of a place of love and not hatred or meanness, he knew that I unfortunately was living with this distorted view and idea of him and he needed me to finally get to a point where I was honest about my feelings in order for him to help me to truly grow and know his heart.
I sit back and start to remember all the days I realized I didn’t like God:
- The day I tried over and over to pray my depression and anxiety would just away and I realized it wasn’t that simple not matter what Christians tell you!
- The day I was sick of reading about “Hating my parents” this verse really needs more context and I got it today.
- The day I felt I wasn’t clean enough for God, he truly does meet you where you are, it’s usually “Christians” who don’t.
- The day I realized I had way too much human compassion to be Christian, Yup! I’m pro-choice, women’s right screaming, social justice loving, charity isn’t just to be giving to for foreign black kids you meet on a mission trip, but love & compassion for your neighbors and their wellbeing as well, type Christian– I may be losing a few Conservative Christian friends after this and I’ve become ok with that.
- The day I asked God why I had to be unhappy to follow him, God didn’t say that, so smile, go and enjoy your life, he came to give joy (we always seem to miss that part in sermons)
- The day I was tired of never been enough, “Churching” is tiring yall!
- The day I realized I hate doctrine, I hated this checklist that told me if I was Christian enough for God to love me, I know I don’t fit Christian rules and traditions and I’m ok with that, are you?
These days really happened and these days really are what affected my view of God and I slowly realized I didn’t know God but I knew what the church said about God and I was over it but slowly God is starting to tackle each one with me. Today in my journal I wrote,
“I’m at a broken point and I feel more broken here at church then I did in the world, Why? I don’t feel good enough to be a child of God because of where I am. Where do I fit with God? Am I in his good grace, although I am not a super-Christian, Super conservative” Where do I fit? Why am I ashamed, why does being a Christian make me feel like I can’t be me? I think the more I was seeking I was becoming exhausted with the chase of God. That I wasn’t checking off a list to make me a good enough Christian …it’s become my greatest shame and guilt.”
I may not have the most loving relationship with God and I may still be trying to understand his love and why is he “Father” and not some big, bad authoritarian, ready to strike me down at any moment but I can feel in my soul that God is almighty and that he is good. I do desire to know the goodness of him.
One day…one day!