Today as everyone gets together and party for the 4th of July I found myself in bed. I didn’t have the passion to celebrate the 4th this year, my heart and soul just didn’t have it in me to celebrate, honor and put on colors for a country that come tomorrow shows no love and mercy for people of color. But that is a totally different post for a totally different day.
There was another problem that stopped me from getting out and enjoying the day with friends, I’ve unfortunately being dealing with depressive episodes lately.
Over the last couple of months, I have found myself quietly asking God, am I depressed again, I felt thoughts and feelings creeping into my space and I would quickly knock those thoughts away. Until today! As I was laying in bed, not wanting to be bothered, upset, emotional and just mentally drained I realized at that moment I was feeling the unfortunate effects of depression again. At that moment, I said it out loud because I truly needed to hear what the heck was wrong with me.
Then right afterwards I got angry because I been having such a winning battle against depression for a while now, how can this be happening? How can I be back in this space? I re-played in my head some signs I knew were typical for me and triggers that I literally should have noticed months ago, which I believe I did but wanted to avoid so deeply.
The meanness, the annoyance of being bothered with people, with anything, the constant conversations filled with anger and bitterness, the constant fatigue and low energy, the lack of production in my work. I didn’t want to be bothered nor did I want to tolerate anyone and I wanted everyone to feel the pain, loneliness and bitterness that I was feeling. Most of my responses, thoughts and actions have been to bring people to my level, not intentional in anyway but it was happening and I couldn’t control it.
As I come to the realization, of what’s going on, I am grateful for those moments of therapy years ago that has helped me realize the signs and triggers.
I been sitting here for a couple of hours, watching the fireworks outside my window and this beautiful moon trying to figure out how the heck I will get past this depressive episode going on within me. The episode that got me feeling like a fragile, weak pottery pieces that at any moment can be pushed and broken into a thousand pieces. Pieces are what I fear the most, those pieces seem to hold the sense of unstableness, it carries the unknown, that makes me feel like I am constantly drowning
I am patiently waiting for the day where everything around me seems quiet and pieces are back in place. I read somewhere recently that a “depressive episode is not failure.” I had to keep reading that line over and over. At a point where appointments, meetings, deadlines continue to get pushed around, my attentiveness at my work just don’t seem to be where it usually is, my lack of returned phone calls or showing up, the slowness in my production, the withdrawn attitude, the bitterness, I began to feel that failure at this point was unavoidable.
I been sitting here thinking of how I will get through this depressive episode and at this very moment, I don’t know but what I do know is they don’t last forever and I am fighting for that day where all the pieces feel like they are in perfect position again.