Career fails. Relationship fails, debt and life, how I am learning to stop hiding from failure!
For a long time, life for me stood at a standstill and today I was thinking about my journey so far, this year with no goals but to live in the present moment and see what God builds, I have many thoughts about how things are going so far.
A few years ago, I walked away from merchandising because honestly, I was TIRED of retail, that’s all I had to look forward to here in Nashville. I thought I could start my own business and move to California and life would be easy but eventually my savings got low and I went broke, I fell on my face in business, nothing was working, my mind was accompanied and I was exhausted from hearing about why I’m single and when I was going to get married and have kids, I was extremely tired of bad dates and I was tired mentally from friends who didn’t understand at that moment I couldn’t make every fancy birthday dinner and party and club hopping, I was frustrated with questions about my career, I was in the midst of drowning in a reality that I never thought I would be in.
I had a moment of recounting my bad moments because for a long time that seemed like the only thing I would continue to have. I remember waking up one morning at 2:30 am, with the worst stomach pain, I lived alone so I had no choice but to get up and drive myself to the hospital, crying and hurting. I stayed overnight with IV’s, with no answers but “They think it’s a cyst” they sent me home and told me to follow back up, I always remember that moment on my journey because it seemed to be a start of heartache, headache and hard times. I remember waiting to hear back from a job & getting ready to ask my mom to cover the rest of my rent for this one month, but the day after my release from the hospital I found myself staring at an empty wallet, my last $300 gone, it could only be one of the nurses at the hospital. I didn’t have the energy and now no longer the time to wait, this move back home I was deciding on had instantly been decided for me at that moment.
And I hid.
Over the years I’ve had way too many what I called bad moments, moments of having to change my resume on my name just to get a call back, I remember this one PR position when the guy called and raved about how the doctor himself picked my resume and how they loved my work and looking forward to having me come in and interview, well I could tell from his face when I walked in that they didn’t expect “Nicole Anderson” to be this black girl, after a pointless interview, I returned home to no follow up, no response. How about the time I interviewed for a popular fashion boutique here and meet all the qualifications but as I walked out I caught a glimpse of them smiling around me and I looked up and this cute little white girl walked passed me, she was a blogger, and I knew at that moment even with my degree and experience in what they were looking for, I had no chance. Congrats to that white girl for getting that job, that was only the beginning of my bad luck with job searching here in Nashville.
I retreated back to my little small space, with the yellow walls in my mom's house
And I hid.
I would get on Facebook and see messages from friends and college friends about how proud of me they were, I felt like a coward and a fake, I spent days trying to formulate a response that made sense because they only see what I was promoting but behind that scene I was tired, angry, broke and confused.
And I hid.
I go on a date, it’s been the first in a couple of years, stepped outside my box. Went on a date it was great but he was a complete party guy. We talked about my dreams of being an entrepreneur and he loved it, he loved the idea. Although we weren’t compatible, I felt great enough to open up and date more. Few months later I go on a date with another guy and he knew my love for my work but sat at dinner and talked about his boss lifestyle and marriage that he loved. He said the boss did nothing at home and had to do nothing for the kids, just pay the bills, he loved that and that’s what he is looking for in a wife to stay home and just clean, cook and taking care of the kids. Did he forget who he was on this date with? I left, literally, bounced! Well that left a scar. The next few dates after was just as bad! Talk about telling a guy you don’t know well if he touches you again, you’ll break his fingers, sigh!
And I hid.
In this midst of it all my anxiety and depression went from worst to horrible, I felt life around me just stopped, it all just stopped! I was angry, I was angry at myself for not being a great adult and I was angry at God, at Christians who said, “God is all you need.” How what was so good about God? I sat in my church parking lot for an hour crying my eyes out and screaming because I knew at that moment church wasn't going to cure my depression problem.
And I hid. From myself, from people and from God.
Here I was having this crisis that seemed to never go away, nothing ever happened for me or to me I felt. I slowly began to lose myself in ideals, well friends keep saying I should be looking for kids and marriage, although I didn't want kids this early I thought but maybe she’s right, maybe my focus is wrong (on career) so here I am taking all these dates, signing up on dating sites because I just need to stop thinking career and thinking of something else I can talk to friends about (fail), and family said maybe you should apply for this job they take any degree long as you have one, yeah I should, I need to pay off bills, I need to be an adult (fail), associates said get back in church, you need God to guide your life, you not getting anywhere because your faith isn’t there (fail), fail, fail, fail! Nothing wasn’t working or making me happy, and here I was again unhappy and angry.
And I hid.
I needed to hide but I didn’t realize I would hide for a long time. I didn’t realize it until recently, I was thinking of what I’ve learned so far on this journey and one of my biggest moments was coming out of hiding, hiding from the truth, hiding from God and hiding from responsibilities. I started this year to completely acknowledge my anger. I stopped seeking what people was seeking for me this year and begin to walk into my own space. I stopped waiting for God to magically show up and started to partner with him, connect spiritually and just walk. This year I am not waiting around for love, I truly enjoy being single in this moment and one day when I meet the right person rather that's next month or next year, I will really love being in a relationship, I just want to be present and focus on me until that day comes. I stopped fronting like this journey isn’t hard and that some weeks I can spend and some weeks money is tight, some days business is amazing and some days business is stagnant, I started being honest & transparent about where I am, I said no to jobs I knew wouldn’t be fulfilling and fuck you to jobs that don’t want to hire Lakeithea, the black Nicole. One day, one moment at a time and I will finally completely stop.