“Be kinder with your time.” One weekday morning I found myself on the bathroom floor, headphones in my ears as I sing the song “The more I seek you” over and over. My soul was craving a connection and to feel the presence of the Lord. I don’t think I’ve ever felt the presence of God more then I did at that moment. For months since then I’ve tried to find that feeling again and for some reason, I can not get it, that feeling just won’t come back.
As I sat quietly listening to the ending of the song, I could hear the whisper, clear as day, “Be kinder with your time.” It was meant for me, someone who has struggled for years with time. More time, less time, not knowing what to do with the time. It’s always been a hindrance for me. I’ve learned to be a young, black girl chasing a dream of a career, a career has always been my favorite thing about life, not kids, not a husband, I’ve always wanted a career. I’ve always had these amazing things I wanted to do in my life. The older I got the more I’ve struggled with time and expectation of time. Of course, I wanted a marriage and husband, but those thoughts are not what inspire how I spend my time, it’s a career. To some people that can be the most selfish comment ever.
For some odd reason, I’ve always felt I was in a war battle for time. What makes it even more complicated is the idea around time and how it should be spent, especially for women inside the church and outside the church. I found that “time” is one of the area’s where you must do so much explaining to others about your life and how you are spending your time. At one time when I heard the words I thought I knew exactly what God was asking me, oh stop doing all this running around for family and friends and focus on your time. I thought I had it, but it was deeper then that and so much of my journey this year has always come back around to time, how I am spending it, what I’m doing with time and how I am letting others influence it.
This past year, more than ever, I started to question my love for a “Career.” I started to ask if I was using my time wisely, not purposely seeking a relationship and motherhood as almost every church conversation turns to “Are you dating, why aren’t you dating, do you want kids, do you have any prospects?” And The embarrassing and annoying notion of joining every singles group is the best thing for a single person, especially women in the church and is expected. No groups for women who’ve felt called to be undertakers in career, entrepreneurship, and humanitarian, unless it dealt with mission trips and spreading the “Good news”. I started to ask more of why are the conversations about how I spend my time only worthy in one way?
Then you got the group who see you seeking a career, entrepreneurship and wonder why you are not much further because of all the time you put in like there is a time limit on success. If you don’t have this title, if you not bringing in a certain amount of money by a certain time, people start to question how you are spending your time and deciding if what are you doing with your time is incorrect. Here comes the take this course, you need to be up at 4 am or 5 am clan and the you not working hard enough if you enjoy the holiday’s in pj’s and not in front of the computer group. (SIGH)
Oh, the battle of time!
So, here I am wondering again what God meant about time, am I doing something wrong with my time? Am I not doing enough? When do we embrace that everyone uses their time differently?
Today I sit and think about all the things on my to-do list and I am trying to grasp understanding about if it’s what I need to have, am I using my time wisely with these things. Did God simply mean how much time I am spending on each task on my list, am I spending enough time with family and friends or did God mean how I am spending my time “Life wise.”
Right now, my focus is to spend each day fully. There is this battle of time going on and every day I am seeking to understand how I can be kinder and wiser with my time. Over the last year I started to question a little bit of everything when it comes to time. Motherhood, wife, career, singleness, church goer, friendship and human being experiencing life in general. What does that look like? How do I make it my own, how do I live this life and have a peace of mind about time and it’s use in my world?
A few months ago, as I was battling these thoughts deeply, I was feeling convicted about succumbing to ideals “on every side.” I sadly stopped embracing "my time" because I started to feel that the life I suppose to live didn’t fit into that “TIME.”
I found myself standing in front of that bathroom mirror saying to myself, “You are a career woman and that is great.” That is what my heart desires and there is nothing wrong with me and I can fit things into that “time.”
Now here I am sitting at a coffee shop, journaling and blogging about time, what does it mean and how does it fit into this career loving, single woman. Oh, the battle of time and the battle of describing what that means for me.